Things Team Nineteen Are No Longer Allowed To Do
by H.E. Gray
Summary: Iruka's genin team was never normal, by any definition of the word.
1. Rule 27

**Disclaimer: **Characters not mine, etc.

**A/N: **Thanks for reviews; my ego is now officially too large for one person. Just a ficlet based off one of the rules - depending on opinion, I may continue to insert these at random points. Warnings for language and slight sexual content.

EDIT: To those wondering where the list went, someone finally got around to reporting this fic. I've therefore taken down the list chapters - you be able to find them on my lj (homepage link on my profile). Not to worry though - I'll get around to writing drabbles for every chapter. Eventually. After exams have destroyed my life and any chance of getting a job. =D

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**#27. Whoever thought it would be funny to send in porn disguised as mission reports, it wasn't. It's hard enough to get the Intelligence officers to do work without you doing that.**

* * *

"You done with that report yet?" Ibiki asked, not looking up from where he was amusing himself by scrawling little-known intimate facts for each ninja in the Bingo Book. Iruka mumbled something incomprehensible – something along the lines off "fuck off" and "camel-fucking squirrel-maiming bastard". Sometimes Ibiki worried about the sanity of his students, but he decided to shrug it off and instead noted down Oyate Hiromi's tendency to wear women's clothing when fighting. Some part of him worried briefly at the sound of Kotetsu snickering, but he chose to dismiss it.

This was a mistake.

* * *

"Her breasts were heaving as she knelt over him, gasping for breath, her face wild and twisted," Kenji said, his voice never changing from his typical monotone. "Hiro was unable to tear his eyes from her – it was the first time he'd been beaten by a woman, but suddenly he wasn't regretting it all." There was a pause, before he looked up from the report. "Would you care to explain why you have submitted porn instead of a mission report?"

Ibiki's eyes closed briefly, the only show of emotion he allowed himself. "I apologise for my students' behaviour," he said. He was going to make them _pay _for this. He was a master of humiliation damnit, and he would not be usurped by his students, even if they apparently had _no sense of shame_. "If you return the report, I'll see that it's written up properly."

Kenji checked a note stuck to the front of the report and then raised an eyebrow. "Apparently, the Intelligence department has requested it for... further research," he deadpanned. "Please inform your students that they apparently have promising careers as porn writers ahead of them, but if they try slipping it in their reports again I will rip their spines out and then nail their corpses to a wall."

"Sir?" Ibiki said hesitantly.

"Do you know how difficult it is to get Intelligence to do work?" Kenji asked rhetorically. "I'd burn this, but I suspect they've already had copies issued to everyone in the department."

"Ah," Ibiki said.

"This is going on the Rules," Kenji continued.

Ibiki nodded, trying not to wince. They were _so _dead.

Kenji paused for a moment, as if thinking. "Also, please tell them that page three was especially well done."


	2. Rule 68

Warnings: one instance of swearing, mild, mild implication of one-sided slash

A/N: Sorry this took so long, I'm nonetheless alive? :D This would have taken longer, but I gave up on trying to make it funnier. Exams have eaten my brains. Also, some editing done to the previous chapter - realised I left out some key words. x.x

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**Rule 68. The Mizukage does not want to make you his sex-slaves. Couldn't you come up with a more realistic reason for not wanting to be sent on the escort mission to Mist? Ibiki, you should teach your team to lie better **.

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"Just a minor issue about your mission," Sandaime said, not raising his head from scanning paperwork. Ibiki shifted uncomfortably, wondering which one of his students was at fault now.

"Sandaime-sama?" he questioned, not allowing the wary anticipation to slip into his voice.

Sandaime hummed, and passed Ibiki what appeared to be a hurriedly scrawled letter. "Apparently one of your students is afraid of-" there was a pause, as if he were trying to think of a precise phrase to use, "the sexual proclivities of the Mizukage."

Ibiki blinked, and looked down at the letter. He read it. He blinked again.

"Iruka," he started, exasperation in his voice.

"I'm serious," Iruka interrupted quickly, his eyes wild with desperation. "Ibiki-sensei, I'm not going back there. _Ever_."

Ibiki sighed through his nose and tried again. "Iruka, the Mizukage does not want to have sex with you. He's good-looking, he's a powerful ninja and I'm sure he's fully capable of finding partners without having to resort to buying sex-slaves – or kidnapping them – from foreign nations."

"He's a paedophile!"

"Actually, you're fifteen so it's technically ephebophilia," Kotetsu said cheerfully. "Paedophilia is the attraction to children, whereas ephebophilia is the sexual preference for mid-to-late adolescents, typically fourteen through to nine-" He trailed off at the varying looks of incredulity being directed at him. "What?" he said defensively. "It was mentioned in _Icha Icha _and I was curious, okay?"

"I'm sure Jiraiya-sama will be pleased that he's contributed to the education of today's youth," Ibiki said blandly. "Nevertheless, we return to the issue. What makes you think the Mizukage wants to-" he paused, and looked down at the highlighted letter of protest Iruka had submitted, "'lock you up in his creepy bedroom that looks weirdly like one of the Uchiha police holding cells, but, like, on a massive scale, and ravish you daily'."

"Okay," Iruka said. "It was like this-"

* * *

They've handed the message over to the Mizukage and are standing there, all awkward and stuff – well, the genin of the team are anyway, Ibiki-sensei just looks kinda constipated, but that's nothing new. Iruka off-handedly thinks that the Mizukage's pretty decent looking – weird blond hair, sure, but it sort of reminds Iruka of Yondaime-sama in way that's totally not similar at all. (This is, he'd like to point out, before he realised what a fucking _creepoid_ the Mizukage is).

"I'll have a response to send back in a few minutes," the Mizukage says mildly. "If you leave one of your genin behind you can go and get your accommodation set up for the night."

Ibiki-sensei looks uncomfortable at being separated from any of his team, which Iruka thinks is weirdly sweet in an Ibiki kind of way (er, not sweet. Manly equivalent of sweet! Because they are a manly team! …And yeah, they gave up on that when Kotetsu ran through the streets in his sister's clothing for the fifth time in one month.) "That's gracious of you Mizukage-sama, but-"

"It is, isn't it?" the Mizukage says with a smile. "…Umino-kun, is it? You may stay behind. Hideki, please escort Morino-san and the rest of his team to their accommodation."

-Er. Iruka shifts, sending a desperate look at Ibiki-sensei. Ibiki-sensei responds with a glare telling him '_not to fuck up_' which Iruka thinks loses him any points he might have gained earlier. They leave, and Iruka manages not to run after them, begging them to sacrifice Izumo instead.

"They're gone now," the Mizukage says, and Irtuka looks at him to see a _really weird_ smile on his face. Like, on creepy level it's somewhere between Gai and that freakoid Orochimaru when he was still around.

"Um. I know?" he offers, feeling quite proud of his diplomatic skills, then remembers to add on a belated, "Mizukage-sama."

"Oh, that's not necessary," the Mizukage says, waving the title away. "My name's Daisuke."

"Er," Iruka says, fairly sure he shouldn't be calling a foreign kage by his name.

"So, Iruka-kun – I may call you that, mayn't I?" he doesn't bother to wait for an answer. "Umino sounds… rather like a Mist family name."

"My family have served in Konoha for forty years," Iruka protests, and the Mizukage fixes him with a look.

"Your family may have served there, but your heart doesn't belong there, does it?" the Mizukage says, and Iruka is feeling significantly out of his depth here.

"Let me be plain with you, Iruka-kun. I have never believed in true love," he raises his hand and touches Iruka's cheek, "at least, not before I saw you."

"Erk," Iruka says eloquently.

"You have a kind of beauty to you, Iruka-kun," the Mizukage says, staring at him intently. "Limpid chocolate eyes-"

"Do you write poetry?" Iruka blurts out before thinking about it, somehow oddly certain that the Mizukage has never grown out of that weird bohemian stage of writing bad poetry and hiding it beneath his pillow (he suspects it's probably under a security seal as well – they are _ninja _after all.)

The Mizukage looks delighted. "Ah! You can see the strength of my artist's soul!" He turns serious again quite rapidly, clasping his hands together. "Can't you see that we're meant to be? You, torn so cruelly from the embrace of your true homeland – and me, chained by the-" he pauses, brow furrowing, then tries to continue, "chained by duty, but you can see the _real _me! We can free each other, Iruka-kun!

Iruka smiles weakly, his eyes darting around for an escape even as the Mizukage closes his eyes and begins to rhapsodize.

"-my sweet Iruka, I will ensure that you have the finest of everything. I will set ANBU to protect you so you need not fear the cruel grasp of Konohagakure reaching back for you. I will pick you the finest flowers every day and write my poetry just for you and if anyone tries to lay finger on you I'll rip their fucking spines out and present them to you as gifts of my devotion. I will-"

Iruka sidles out of the door as the Mizukage enters a particular emphatic refrain, and _runs_.

* * *

There was a long pause. Ibiki opened his mouth for a second, and then closed it again, unable to articulate his heart-felt distress that one of his students was apparently _incapable _of thinking up a reasonable lie.

"We'll be leaving in half an hour," he told his hopefully saner students. "Go. Pack."

"Why doesn't anyone _believe_ me?" Iruka wailed in despair. "I'm telling the truth for once!"

Sandaime rolled his eyes.

* * *

"_Roses are red, violets are blue,_

_I'll hunt down your bastard jounin-sensei and kill him for you?_

_I know he's the one who took you from me, sweet Iruka-kun. But don't worry. I'll save you. I promise."_


End file.
